"I own guinea pigs. Afficionados call them cavies, from their genus name.

"One month ago I had two cavies, Norbert and Chewie-chewie. Both were fine boars.

[PruMeister: You had two boars? You had two male piggies? Why didn't you have sows, Prudence? Why don't you support womyn?]

"Norbert was plump and sassy. Chewie seemed like the intellectual type and didn't seem to mind Norbert's shows of dominance which mostly consisted of him mounting Chewie and thrusting his hips. Hot gay cavy sex, I guess.

[PruMeister: My God, Prudence! Is sex the only thing you ever think about? These are guinea pigs we're talking about here. You're telling the story of how your gross negligence caused Chewie's death—remember? And you begin the story by discussing hot gay piggie sex? You're one sick chick.]

"I have an indoor cavy pen and an outdoor pen. ... When they are in the outdoor pen, I need to be sure someone is watching them. The next door neighbors own a pitbull ... a big fat cavy would be a tasty snack. ...

[PruMeister: So you were well aware of the dangers posed by dogs when the poor little piggies are trapped in their outdoor pen—weren't you, Prudence?]

"One day several weeks ago Norbert and Chewie were grazing [in the outdoor pen]. I heard the phone ring and ran for the phone.

[PruMeister: What the hell.....? You knew damn well that your pet piggies require constant watching when they are trapped, vulnerable and defenseless, in the outdoor pen. And yet you ran into the house to answer a fucking ringing phone? Who did you think was calling—the media, looking for an interview with the amazing woman who supposedly predicted the 9/11 attack on the World Trade Center? I mean, who cares about the safety of stupid piggies when the world is waiting to hear the next pronouncement from "the world's most famous remote viewer," right? Then again, those piggies are male and—if something really bad happens to them -- who gives a shit? Their spirits must have really wanted it.]

"My dog Sissy saw me fly into the house and snuck out to the pen and jumped inside.

[PruMeister: Sissy "snuck" outside? You mean she was inside the house and she just jumped up all by her little self and opened the door? Or did you not only leave the piggies unattended but you also allowed Sissy to escape from the house into the yard where she could attack the helpless male piggies trapped in their outdoor pen while you schmooze with the media in the hopes of getting your ugly mug in Cosmopolitan?]

"[T]hose cavies made her jealous and her instincts kicked in. Sissy grabbed Chewie and started shaking her head wildly, then tossed Chewie into the air.

[PruMeister: So it wasn't really Sissy's fault, was it? And it wasn't really your fault either that you left the piggies unattended while you chit-chatted on the phone. Of course! It was the piggies' fault! They made Sissy jealous. So the piggies brought it all on themselves. I knew it!

Poor Chewie. He must have been absolutely terrified as he was viciously attacked by the great white shark of the canine world. Too bad you can't empathize with him. But, then again, Chewie is male and Sissy is female and therefore Chewie must be in the wrong and Sissy must be in the right.]

"I ran out of the house, smacked the dog, grabbed the cavy and ran to the bathroom to assess the damage. Chewie looked fine on the outside but he had internal damage. Nothing could be done for him. He died.

[PruMeister: How did you know that Chewie had internal damage and that nothing could be done for him, Prudence? Did you take Chewie to a veterinarian? Or did you just draw a little diagram of a guinea pig and use your amazing remote viewing skills to diagnose Chewie? Did you conclude, on the basis of remote viewing, that nothing could be done for him? That there was no point in wasting time and money taking him to a veterinarian—especially since you needed to stay near the phone to answer all those calls about your amazing 1997 prediction of the 9/11 attack on the World Trade Center? How come your essay doesn't mention any valiant efforts to save Chewie with your amazing healing energy, huh? Deep down, you must have wanted Chewie to die because he was male and you really hate males, don't you Prudence? And so you intentionally endangered Chewie, didn't you?]

"I felt guilty and heartbroken. ...

[PruMeister: I believe you—NOT.]

Every time [Sissy] approach[ed] the cavy cage, I'd shoot her looks like daggers and she would slink away.

[PruMeister: Why, Prudence. I'm surprised to see you use such violent words, like "shoot" and "daggers." Now, that's not very consistent with the peaceful Zen-like image you like to project—is it, dear? Then again, you're just full of inconsistencies, aren't you? Inconsistent statements. Inconsistent behavior. What does it all mean, Prudence? Still struggling with our internal demons, are we?]

"I made a better outdoor cage with a wire top so no animals could get inside. ...

[PruMeister: It's a little late for that, isn't it Prudence? Chewie is already dead—slaughtered by a vicious dog while his mommy was chit-chatting on the phone. By the way, how long did you leave the piggies outside, alone and defenseless? Exactly how much time elapsed before you remembered your responsibility as a pet owner?]

"I decided to find a friend for Norbert.

[PruMeister: Oh, shit. Here we go again.]

"The animal shelters always have many cavies who need homes. I found a big fat black and white sow with curly que hair. ... I named her Curly and introduced her to Norbert.

[PruMeister: OK, let's get this straight. You picked up an abandoned piggie at an animal shelter and immediately introduced her to Norbert. Aren't we forgetting something here—like a trip to a veterinarian???? How did you know the new piggie wasn't carrying some disease that she would pass along to Norbert? You claim to be a "scientist" but you act like some kind of idiot.]

"... Norbert ... loved Curly! He didn't dominate her, and he didn't attempt hot cavy sex.

[PruMeister: Here we go with the sex again. Forget the piggies' welfare. The only thing that matters is their sex life. Like I said, you're one sick chick.]

"This was three weeks ago, and five days ago Curly woke up looking listless. She refused to eat and drink. She was huddled in one corner of the cage. ... I picked her up and she squealed. Not a happy pig.

"I rushed her to the Carlsbad Animal Hospital.

[PruMeister: Finally!]

"She was pregnant! In labor! She had a severe case of toxemia. She died half an hour later. The vet ... said that she must have been quite pregnant when I brought her home from the shelter. She had two babies, but they died in utero.

[PruMeister: You stupid, self-absorbed, little twit! If you had taken Curly to a veterinarian immediately you would have known she was pregnant 2 and 1/2 weeks before complications arose. Remind me never to ask you to baby-sit or pet-sit for me, you pig-killer. And take your name off the pigsitters' list because no one else wants to leave their piggies in your care either: Pigsitters USA]

"I brought another cavy home, another female. ...

[PruMeister: Where did you pick up this piggie—another animal shelter? And did you learn your lesson and take her to a veterinarian first? It sure doesn't sound like it. You don't learn from past mistakes, do you Prudence?]

"She seemed a bit nervous when I placed her in the cage.

[PruMeister: Was the new piggie really nervous? Or were you projecting your own nervousness onto the animal?]

"Norbert went insane over this piece of cavy eye candy! He mounted her immediately and would not leave her alone! ... She ran in circles, and Norbert followed her in hot pursuit. ...

"Norbert strutted around the cage. It was the creepiest thing I have ever seen. ... He looked like a lounge lizard. He leered ... I was repulsed! Where did my cute cuddly cavy go?? He was replaced by the sex fiend from Vegas!

[PruMeister: Why, Prudence, isn't this what you wanted—exhibitionist piggie sex? Oh, wait a second. It's OK if a male sexually dominates another male, but you can't tolerate the sight of a male sexually dominating a female, can you?]

"I packed Taffy up and returned her to the shelter. ...

[PruMeister: Well, I guess that answers that question. You picked up the second piggie from the animal shelter too. And I bet you didn't take this one to a veterinarian either before bringing it home.]

I returned with yet another cavy, a sleek black fat sow ... . I popped her in with Norbert yesterday. She's bigger than he is, so he's keeping his distance. ... [S]o far no domination activity, ... and no leering looks. I'm not sure if this is good.

[PruMeister: Holy shit! The animal shelter actually gave you a third piggie after you killed one and returned another? I bet you didn't take this third piggie to a veterinarian either. God only knows what diseases she might have transmitted to Norbert! What the hell is wrong with you? The only thing you're interested in is whether the piggies are trying to hump each other. Are either of these piggies still alive?]